My Travel Map

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The race I never ran...

Of late, I have been getting this sinking feeling that I'm losing the race. What race, do u say? Well, for the moment, let it suffice to say that this is a race that the organizers do not know of, and hence, they haven't advertised it nor they have kept any prize reserved for the winner. If that still does not satisfy you, consider it as just another figment of my not too fertile imagination.

The race was never meant to be in the first place. 'Coz there are no other runners. I am running the race alone. At least ostensibly. I forced it upon myself to participate and now I find myself at the crossroads, not knowing which way leads to victory. But I am just too attached to this long distance run of mine to give it up so easily. I'll continue running as I have been doing for the past two years. This race has not brought any rewards to me, neither any accolades. On the contrary, it has caused me untold pain. But it has been worth it. It has been an experience worth reliving.

As I continue my journey unto life, this one race of mine and the sights and sounds associated with it will continue to provide a source of sustenance as nothing else. The race has been long and arduous. But I have been hallucinating of late. Of late, I have being seeing people on the stands, watching me run and laughing at me. Often have I wondered at their mirth. They think that I'm running this race for the prize. I laugh back at them for their naivete. They can have the prize, for all I care. I haven't even thought of the prize, for God's sake!

But as I stated earlier, I'm finding it difficult to continue running at the same pace and with the ame vigour as before. Something seems to be lacking. The sights and sounds have changed. don't get the same thrill out of running anymore. Have those spectators spoiled my fun? Maybe...maybe not. I can't pinpoint the reasons. I am getting tired. I can see but emptiness staring at me with her unforgiving eyes, daring me to continue the race.

I believe I have strength just about enough for one last sprint. One concentrated effort. One last try. One last attempt to breast that tape which seems to move for ever and for ever away as I run forward. Should I preserve the strength and continue my lacklustre race or should I make that one last effort? What lies on the other side? The crossroads seem neverending...